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Help me welcome the fantastic Heather Hetchler of Cafe Smom blog/coaching/stepmom store site. Heather is one of our stepmom heroes and today we’re going to talk about self care. (Yes, I know. You don’t have the time!) Listen to Heather talk about her recent journey towards self care and my failures in that area.
Heather Hecthler is the creator of Cafesmom, one of the great resources for stepmoms everywhere. Heather is the mom/stepmom to 6 children who live with her and her husband, Andy. She has a true passion to inform, encourage, support and connect stepmoms, making us stronger, smarter and more content Heather knows that we are heart of our families and weset the mood. If the Smom crumbles under the pressures of stepfamily life, the family is likely to follow. Heather’s mission is to help Stepmoms thrive, not just survive, stepfamily life. Listen to our show and see if you can relate! Best part is that we will be reading the comments posted here and the best one gets a CafeSmom gift pack! (CafeSmom coffee mug, Tshirt, baseball hat & chocolates for Mother’s Day!)
I am Barb Goldberg of The Evil Stepmother Speaks (Circle of Moms #1 Blended Family Blog..cheap plug!) You can find Heather and me at:
Heather: www.CafeSmom.com
Tweet Heather: @CafeSmom
Barb: www.TheEvilStepmotherSpeaks.com
Tweet Barb @StepmomSpeaks
Listening to the show on podcast right now – love it, love it, love it! It is so comforting to hear you two moms/stepmoms chat! When I can’t get together with my local stepmom friends to gab, listening to you two is second best.
Looking forward to the “Faith and the Stepmom” show! And when is the stepmom conference?? OK, I say stepmom “conference” but what I really mean is the designated weekend when stepmoms around the country get together at Kripalu or some similar place?? I’ll be there!
And maybe this is more of a question for Heather but when she talked about having talks with her stepdaughter about pre-teen issues and thinking about their mom… I don’t know the circumstance that caused Heather’s stepdaughters’ mom to be absent in their lives, but I deal with the same issues. And sometimes I can’t help but feel angry. Angry that my stepdaughters’ mother doesn’t act like she loves them, angry that she can’t/won’t show that she cares. Angry that my wonderful, beautiful, bright, loving, creative, fun, active, growing, impressive stepdaughters were given a mom that doesn’t care to be in their lives. I think, “it’s not fair!! It’s wrong! They deserve an awesome mom!”
So, does Heather ever think this? How does she deal with those emotions? Lately, I tell myself Oprah had some pretty crappy parents and she turned out to have an amazing life, and so will my stepdaughters’, despite their mom. But is there any other ways to look at it that can help me not feel angry?
Hi, Girlfriend! Yes…that special stepmom retreat will happen. In the meantime, I’m going to send your questions to Heather. I’m sure she’ll answer. My perspective? Children learn by what they see. The strength and values that you show are making a huge impact and you will be shocked to see that impact when your daughters are grown.
Oralia,
Thanks so much for listening in to the show. Glad you loved it. Love talking with Barb… the show could have gone on for hours. I can totally relate to what you shared. Feeling angry is so natural. Another woman (her mom) caused your stepdaughter pain yet you are the one who sees that pain and is there to pick up the pieces.
What I had to come to terms with is that I didn’t cause the pain that my stepdaughter’s feel and I can’t take it away. In the beginning, I thought I could and I went above and beyond trying to make them happy. The reality is that my stepdaughters have experienced a lot of trauma and my job is to love them through it.
A quote I read one time really resonated with me on this topic: “He who angers you, controls you,” – Anonymous. The pain my stepdaughters feel is real and me being angry won’t take that pain away but it will rob me of feeling joy and peace in my heart and I don’t want to give anyone that type of power over my emotional state.
That isn’t to say that I don’t often get upset when I see the pain. My stepdaughters haven’t seen their mom in over six years and they still have anger towards her and there will always be pain to some degree. When I start to feel upset (and sometimes selfish because I’m here to pick up the pieces) I remind myself that I’m thankful to be in their life and that life isn’t supposed to be easy. We all have burdens. I love my husband and my six kids and while we have our challenges I wouldn’t change my life for anything.
Hope this helps. Thanks again.
Heather
http://www.CafeSmom.com
I’m in a very different situation when it comes to the role of my stepdaughters mom, as she is very involved and present in her life. As you mentioned, I do consider myself to be hyper-aware of which activities might be considered ‘mother-daughter’ milestones that I should stay away from. I really feel it’s just the right thing to do; it’s part of my job to be sensitive to my stepdaughters mom and the special bond they share. I would even go so far as to say that I am protective of it. However, I am (and always will be) infinitely more protective of my husband.
One of the hardest challenges I face is having to watch my husband’s disappointment every time he misses out on a milestone in his daughters life. Part of this is inevitable, obviously, since we have joint custody. I know I’m delving into another subject here, but it really struck a chord when you were talking about the special bond of mothers and their children and how important it is for us to respect that as stepmoms. Although it seems like a given; I think it’s equally important for us to foster the bond between our husbands and their children. This too can be an extremely difficult and humbling experience!
For example – my stepdaughter recently lost her very first tooth, and she happened to loose it at school. The nurse called her mother to tell her about it. We still don’t know why only one parent was called, we have taken great pains to stay involved and informed at the school (I know, I know, yet another subject!). On this particular day, it was our turn to pick my stepdaughter up from school since she would be staying with us for the rest of the weekend. When we picked her up, she was SO EXCITED to tell us that she had lost her very first tooth (right in the front!). So, of course we were thrilled and asked where the tooth was.
Can you guess?…
Her mother had taken off work, driven to the school, and picked up the tooth to be kept at her house.
Let me say that I pride myself on the ability to control my facial expressions and reactions in most situations, but I have to admit, my jaw actually dropped when my brain caught up with reality and I realized what had happened. She took OFF WORK to go and get the tooth. She took the tooth AWAY from a kindergartener because SHE wanted to be able to play ‘tooth fairy’ for the very first time. This happened to be a three day weekend (Easter). So, my sweet, innocent, 6 year old step-daughter cried when we tucked her into bed that night because she would not be able to get a visit from the tooth fairy at our house and would have to wait three days until she was back at her moms.
And that’s when I lost it. I could not wrap my brain around this scenario no matter how hard I tried. Here was this child, who was being deprived of her first visit from the tooth fairy because her mom didn’t want my husband to have the pleasure first. Let me just say that our daughter still very much believes in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, so in her mind, the Tooth Fairy has NO CONNECTION with either Mom or Dad as it is a magical creature. This so violently shook my sense of fairness and justice in the world, I did something I almost never do. I blatantly went against the wishes of the bio-mom and stole her milestone.
And damned if that tooth fairy didn’t find it’s way to our house that night (tooth or no tooth!)
And I don’t feel bad about it, at all. My stepdaughter got a dollar under her pillow, my husband got to see the smile on her face when she found it in the morning – and there will be many more teeth (19 to be exact) of which her mom will have the pleasure of leaving money for. Dad’s deserve milestones, too!!!
Thank you as always for the great show, you are a pleasure to listen to!
Stepford Stepmommy recently posted..The Ringmaster of Lies
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to write. I wanted to share my thoughts with you. First, I don’t think you or your husband “stole” anything. You did the right thing. You made the day fun and memorable. It would have been wrong to not allow the Tooth Fairy to acknowledge the day. Also remember that you also have 19 more teeth. It is not important who has the teeth. Here’s the reality of divorce. Everyone misses things. Everyone hurts. Here’s the good news.
Events have importance because of the meaning our thoughts give to them. So, it makes sense that we can control the impact on us. So, in that light, let’s talk about the bio mom picking up the tooth. In the spirit of transparency, I want you to know that my head would have exploded. I get it. But, now lets look at it. Tell me if you think I’m wrong, but I believe Mom’s actions were based on fear. Her ‘lizard’ brain, the part that houses our lack and attack systems, just went off! Here are some potential fears! “I don’t want my daughter to love Dad more! To make sure my daughter loves me, it is important that every event/holiday happens with me. I am afraid that my daughter may learn to love her stepmom and I will be unloved.” Thoughts like these make you jump into your car, speed over to the school and steal teeth from the school nurse. (It’s a riot when you envision the image!)
So, here’s the bottom line. Our children want to be seen, heard, loved and know that they matter. You are both doing that. Hopefully, you didn’t complain about Mom and the tooth in front of your stepdaughter. (Big no-no!) Try not to associate importance to holidays/events. Just love your stepdaughter like you are doing.
Take care,
Barb
Yes, please more info on the stepmom retreat/seminar. I could really use some time with women who understand. I am trying so hard to find my role in this blended family life even after 7 years in the situation. I have always had a “chuck it in the bucket” mind frame but I am not sure that’s the healthiest mantra for this step mom. I have put myself and my needs on the back burner for so long that I now have a lot of resentment about my role. I am finding the importance in being happy with myself in order to promote happiness in my blended family. It’s an everyday struggle.