There is So Much Love Available to All of the Children in a Stepfamily!
I got divorced when my son was an infant. In the very beginning, I didn’t hear from my ex’s family. Understandable. Through the creative love of a family member (Read my blog, The Best Book Ever Written), I reconnected with my in-laws and a love affair ensued between them and my son. My son proceeded to visit them every summer and they have traveled to see him every year. He is now 26 years old.
This week, my brother-in-law flew across country to visit with my son and I watched from the sidelines. The bond was so strong and, although, I was not privy to their conversations, I knew that good advice was being given. My son never perceives a divorce as a stoppage of loving relationships. As I watched the two of them talking, I thought about how lucky I was to have another supportive adult in my son’s life. The more, the merrier! I was thinking, “What would I have done if my in-laws had not been there? How would our lives been different?” The answer is that our lives would not have been as rich.
Logic tells me that if my ex-husband’s family is such an asset, then the same probability holds that my spouse’s family and his ex and his/her family could provide the same richness, love and support for my child. Why not? Suppose all of these extended family members were supposed to be in my child’s life? What can they teach him? Wouldn’t they make my child’s life better? Why would I be any less enthusiastic about these extended relationships than those of my ex-husband’s family? They answer is that they have a lot to teach and love to offer, if you are open to see it.
A stepmother’s perspective of our step family relationships is not the same as that of our children. Our brains are full of negative stories planted there by society that tells us that everyone hates us. Our children are not bogged down by such thoughts. They are open and see our broad families as more people to love and enjoy. Extended family members are open to them, as well. There is love there, for the taking.
There is so much love available to the children in our big, blended families. The lesson is to allow all the children to be loved by everybody. One day, you’ll look back and be asking yourself, “What would I have done without them?”
I allow my kids to see my ex’s parents. I divorced their son and not them. They are still their grandparents even if you are divorced. I am thankful that they are able to have a relationship with their grandparents.
Christy recently posted..Are Pregnancy Hormones Leaving You Feeling Like a Hot Mess?
What happens when the ex-wife goes too far the other way? She invites herself to my children’s (x2 babies with new hubby) events (birthdays, christenings), still calls herself “aunty” to ex-nieces and nephews, attends ex-nieces 21st birthdays and gets in ex-family photos like she’s still related etc etc. She walks into our house and picks up my babies and coos and cuddles like she’s their mum. I am more than happy to have a respectful, co-operative and even ‘fun’ relationship with her for the sake of the 3 girls she shares with her ex-husband (we have 50:50 custody), but when she refuses to respect the boundaries of our marriage, family and children, I get fuming mad and all goodwill goes out the window. My in-laws, (her ex-in laws) encourage it, and make me feel like a second-rate second wife who just needs to “deal with it” because she’s their favourite aunty. I have done everything I can to love everyone and try to be accepted but it’s wearing thin and I am now disengaging and getting bitter. How do I turn this around?
I want to answer this in two ways.
#1: This is the understanding answer. This sounds so annoying! Ugh!
#2: Here’s the answer you may hate. Here’s the deal. You can’t change anyone else but yourself. Divorce and remarriage causes fear and anxiety in every family member. The ex’s behavior is a manifestation of her own fears. (“Will I lose the love of my children? I don’t want to lose my connections and love of my ex inlaws and everyone else. I’ll be left out of everything and be alone the rest of my life and live in a van by the river.”) Her nerves drive her to over do it.
The old fables that run in our head keep telling us that the ex is doing all of these things to get on our nerves or establish their power base. I ask you to consider that this may not be the case and that she is just afraid.
So, would you be open to looking at things a little differently? That which you resist, persists. Welcome the ex and get yourself into a mindset that this is a person who just wants to support your family. Tell yourself this mantra over and over again.
I know this is annoying advice, but give it a try. It works.
Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your personal input. I agree with you to a point… she may have some fears but will never end up alone in a van by the river as she married the man she was having the affair with and she has a personal wealth of many many many millions. With this money she continually ‘buys’ people; especially her ex-in laws. Is it any wonder they love her so much? (I am an international aid worker who works with those in extreme poverty… can you see the gaping chasm between us?).
I don’t take her as an insecure person. I see her as someone who wants her cake and to eat it too; get rid of the old marriage but hold on to all its perks. She is openly hostile to me in regards to the nieces and nephews; that they are “her” nephews and nieces and she has no intention of giving up relationship with them. She makes sure I know my place. I have found my only way to cope is to disengage from the extended family and no longer seek relationship with them. I know I can’t change their behaviour but I can protect my sanity. My husband has tried to speak to them about it but they just ignore him.
I strongly doubt that she wants to support my family as you suggest. I think she wants to own it; my children included.
I wish I could see things differently. I wish I could love. I really want to… I just don’t know HOW.
I wish this was true for all of us, unfortunately I am dealing with Jehovah’s Witnesses on my side and my new husbands side. All have to shun me because I have been “disfellowshipped”, marked with the red letter A, from the religion. His and my daughter’s live with us full time with no contact to other parent. We do “co-parent”, I hate that phrase, with my husband’s ex and his two sons, it is a complete nightmare. Because of her religious beliefs, she will not be in the same room with me. The high school girl in me shows up at every event the boys have just so she leaves and misses out on things for her own sons. Needless to say I am very jealous that you and your son have the ex’s in your life to help you and him grow. My husband, me and our daughters, maybe the boys if they choose not to be JW’s, will never be able to have any type of relationship with either side of the ex’s.