Step Parent Tip #2: What Keeps You Up at Night?

Worrying About This Guy Kept Me Up at Night: Step Parent or Bio Parent

I lost a lot of sleep as a mom and step parent.  I worried about whether or not the kids would turn out.  How much damage have I done?  What will become of them? This is what kept me up at night. When I worked in corporate America, I used to ask my clients this question, “What keeps you up at night?” I loved hearing their answers because I immediately identified how I could help them.  This is where I focused my time.

My personal life was harder to clarify. Even in the best of circumstances, when your life went as you planned, parenting and step parenting was hard and daunting.  For those of us whose life took a turn, parenting looked like one of those Lifetime movies. It was easy to lose focus or know where to focus.  My Lifetime movie went like this.

I was a nice, Jewish girl, raised in Philadelphia.  No one in my family had ever been divorced.  I got good grades.  I went to college and graduated cuma sum laude.  I became a special education teacher.  So far, so good.

I figured I would never marry.  Until I met a young man and found myself engaged.  He was a nice guy.  His family was nice.  I was enamored with the idea that I had pulled this off.  I couldn’t  believe that I was getting married. We moved from Philadelphia to Arizona because I wanted to live in a warm climate.  Our son came in year number six.  We were so thrilled.

In year number eight, we divorced.  The truth was that I did not have the strength to fight for a better life for me, but I had plenty of energy for my baby.  I married the wrong guy.  Even to this day,  I wonder when I would have left if I had not had my son, Ean.  Ean taught me to how to find my own strength. I was up at night, worrying.  “What had I done?”

I focused on Ean and proceeded to take him on the ride of his life. Ean became a ‘strainer’ through which I filtered all of my future decisions:  work, friends, remarriage, step children and values.  He kept me up at night, but he was a great leader.  The result has been that Ean experienced the following in his short 25 years:

1. Divorce
2. Parental abandonment from his BF (biological father)
3. Remarriage and a new Dad
4. New siblings at the age of 6 years old.  He became one of four children.
5. Adoption by his new Dad
6. Name change due to the adoption.  He got a new baseball uniform, but how weird is that?
7. New extended family, but he kept his old extended family
8. A lifetime of explaining to friends his family history (I am unsure if this helps him or hurts him getting dates.)

This was not how I envisioned my Lifetime movie.  I must say that our strong family focus on the children has worked.  If you find yourself waking up at night, ask yourself  “What is keeping me up?”  Your family’s direction may be hidden there as well.

Ean gives his commentary on his life here Stepmom Toolbox Show:  The Evil Stepmother Speaks to Her Bio Son_ Did I Ruin You_ – Oct 13,2011