It Takes Time for People to Know, LIke and Trust You. That's okay!
When you think about buying a product or service, your preference is the work with someone that you know, like and trust. It is a basic tenet of business and it takes time. When you think about businesses that you frequent, how long did it take you to know, like and trust that person? Tell me if I am wrong, but I will bet that it has taken some time.
It is the same for your stepfamily. Your new family members need time to get to know you, decide if they like you and learn to trust you. That is a tall order. As much as we would love for people to know, like and trust us right away, life just does not work that way. Just because you married your children’s parent or someone’s son or daughter does not give you a pass. Sorry.
What if your new family members decide that they do not like you? It happens. It is not the end of the world. But, it hurts. When you think about it, do you like everyone you have ever met on the planet? Here are some tips to help you overcome the hurt feelings:
1. Keep going. Be yourself. No lecturing. Smile and stay positive.
2. Have faith that the bio parents know their children and can manage them. Stay out of it.
3. Remember that we are the ones that put meaning into hurtful events. If you find yourself telling the same stories over and over again. Stop. How is that story serving you? Are you looking for recruits to back your stance?
4. Reward hurtful behavior and have fun. Every time you feel that you have been hurt, reward yourself. You will start to look forward to another sly remark. Think about it. Every time you get ‘dissed’, you get a massage!
5. Choose a confidante who does not have a connection to your family. If you are like me and need to talk things out, choose friends or professionals who have your complete trust and will not talk to others.
It is a funny thing. When you mentally disconnect from any attachment to the outcome, you will find that more people are attracted to you. Who knows? Over time, you may find that more members of your new family decide to know, like and trust you.
Love #3. So true! We are soo our own worst enemies sometimes. It was great to meet you at Erma!
Dear Polly,
So glad to have met you as well. Let me know when the baby comes!
Happy to have found you. I’ve been blended for five years, after five years of single mommyhood. I’ve got lots to tell and it’s starting now.
Ugh, #3 is painful and kinda, okay, so very true.
I know. I get annoyed at myself as well.
I think I may have finally ruined things this time. I am so jealous and obsessed with my husband’s ex wife that I let it get the best of e and do stupid things I regret. This time I wrote some mean and cruel things to his thirteen year old daughter in an email masked as his. She has been crying and calling her dad and so far I have been able to intercept the calls but i cant do it for long. Should I just come clean with him and apologize and admit my jealousy??
I am so sorry. I just saw your note. The truth is always the best thing. Yes, come clean. I know this is going to take courage, but this sounds like a family meeting is in order. Consider including the bio Mom as well. Although people may be upset at the start, they will respect your honesty in the long run. Also, consider getting some help. I am saying this because it would be nice to say to your family, “This is what I am going to do to change and help me.” It can be anyone from clergy, psychologist, coach, etc.
Here were my first thoughts. I hope they help.
Tell me if you think I’m wrong, but it sounds as if your fears have taken over. We are all equipped with our reptilian brain located within our limbic system of our brain. It is the system that controls flight or fight. Its purpose is to protect us. (A tiger is coming..RUN!) This system can run wild when you have thoughts or fears around anything. It is completely normal to have fears in our stepfamilies. They look like this: “I am afraid my husband won’t love me as much as the first wife. I am afraid the children will hate me. I am afraid that I will be divorced again. I am not as pretty or successful as the first wife. etc. etc. So my question to you is, what is the real fear?
Secondly, I want you to know one more thing. When our brains try to keep us safe, it defines “safe” as what it has seen in your past. In other words, it only knows what it has seen in your life. Anything different creates a ‘may day’ signal. So, is there something in your past that would add to your fears?
An executive at my former office once told me that he observed in life that problems in relationships–whether with family, friends or colleagues–usually don’t get worked out. “After three decades working in offices, I would say that people who don’t like each other never will.”
I think that’s why people become so fearful when they see a stepchild relationship going a bad way–because while it is possible to work out big problems, people rarely do. The law of averages tells you you’re in for a failure. Staring failure in the face is terrifying.
I still believe that it is never too late to turn yourself around and make a change. You have to hope and pray that the other person can too, and find peace with it if they can’t. A major “grown-up” moment is when you accept that someone doesn’t like who you are OR doesn’t like who they think you are, and you aren’t consumed with righting them.
I’m with you. It its possible to change. I look at it this way. It all comes down to our thoughts in our heads. Not necessarily the truth. Our brains present a version of the truth to us, but that doesn’t mean it is permanent. As we grow, our perceptions change. Also, isn’t it possible that the qualities that we don’t like in others are the ones we don’t like in ourselves? If that’s so, as we develop and change, our relationships will do the same. Thank you so much for taking the time to write.