Stepmoms Should Hear No Evil
When I married Bruce, it was the second marriage for both of us. With divorce comes stories. Tell me if I’m wrong, but I think a lot of us divorcees like to tell our stories. Over and over and over. It comes with the territory.
Early on, I decided that Bruce should keep his divorce and I should keep mine. In other words, those relationships should remain sacred between the original two people. I asked that all conversations between the bio parents be out of my earshot. I have no idea if they ever argued, but I never wanted to hear it. In that way, my thoughts remained clean. After all, their relationship was between them and they were more than capable of raising their children. In fact, they were great parents. All I needed to know were the rules that they wanted me to follow. That’s it.
If we had stories that we wanted to tell about our divorces, we should tell them to others unassociated with our families. Don’t misunderstand. It was important to understand the reasons behind your partner’s divorce prior to marrying them. But, you did not need to get involved in any drama or hear current issues. Let the original couple handle their lives. They can do it. They do not need us. It is not our business.
Did I live my life with blinders on? I don’t think so. Ignorance was bliss. My ignorance allowed me to be a better compassionate witness for my family. I could listen with an open heart and mind. Maybe, that is the greatest gift a stepmom can give: minding our own business while listening with compassion.
I love this Barb!
Peggy recently posted..Reduce Stress & Watch Your Marriage Thrive
I really wish exercising this kind of restraint appealed to me. But in my home, I want to know what’s going on, issues past and present, so nothing blindsides me when I least expect it. My husband and I have a very open communication style when it comes to this issue because I think in the beginning it helped us talk to someone about the past failed relationship, what went wrong, why it did, what we could have done better, what we learned not to bring into this marriage, etc. We don’t dwell there these days, but certainly things come up, especially in terms of how his kids are parented “over there.” You mention in your case your husband and his ex were great parents. In my case this is not how it is. He is and always was the better parent than her. We are the stable force in these kids’ lives and make sure they’re getting the best parenting in our home (we have them 50%) and that all their needs (educational, medical, hygiene, etc) are being met. When you’re dealing with a bio parent who behaves more like a tyrannical 13 year old herself, we have to step in, do the parenting job (in essence, take it over) and do damage control. It’s exhausting, but who will be an advocate for these kids if we don’t? So yes, her past actions, behaviors, and fights with my husband are of interest to me in that I can “figure her out” and help him with a proper course of action for the kids’ sake and for all of our sakes.
I agree with ‘onebusymom’, understanding what’s going on with his ex does help us, but I do believe that he should deal with her, and I stay out but be supportive. With an ex who use to be horriable and caused drama its good to know what is going on when the kids aren’t with u, but I do wish the co-parenting thing would work for us, but me not knowing what’s going on with the kids has caused lot of damage in my marriage and I feel to each their own, but sometimes it just isn’t worth it.
Ditto onebusymama!
I know there are plenty of reasonable and appropriate bio moms out there, but my stepkids’ mother is not one of them so I feel it’s necessary to be involved and help my husband establish healthy boundaries with her.
Cha recently posted..Real Steel
Well said. I agree with you as well. There’s no one way. My thinking was to focus on not getting caught up in the drama.
Unfortunately, I got sucked into the drama the BM in my life created when she faked a serious illness to get out of her second marriage. I convinced my self I was outraged for the kids. She lied to them and hurt them so, but we were never going to tell the kids the truth. That would only hurt them more. I resented her for soooo long. What an energy suck that was! Although I love the kids, there was no good reason to let the outrage and jealousy take over. It didn’t serve me or the ones I loved. I’m much happier not being involved.
HI..You may like another post that I wrote. Check this one out and see if it resonates.
http://theevilstepmotherspeaks.com/blog/how-to-become-irresistible-parents-to-your-children-your-family-and-the-world/
I am not married, but have been with this man for almost 4 years. We were both divorced, and have 3 kids a piece. Ranging from 13 – 21. My fiancee’s ex is manipulative and crafty and evil,…he never knew how to draw boundaries until I came into the picture and it hasn’t been a walk in the park either. His middle child, favorite only daughter, senior in high school, thinks she can be like mom and step in to tell him how to be the dad. But when she is at odds with her mother, she gets dad to sympathize and support her…I see through the games, and it stresses the hell out of me! They have ruined so many of our plans becoz of their lies. He falls for it all the time! Sometimes only after the fact…As I type we are smacked in the middle of a fight becoz of them, again! How do you ladies do this? I am so discouraged. I love this man, and he truly is a good man. He doesn’t deserve to be manipulated by them, yet, I feel like I give him a hard time too! I don’t want to, but each time I think we have set some sort of boundaries for the ex, she crosses them again! I get jealous of the daughter being more of an equal than his child. I can never see a relationship between she and I! She can be just as demanding as her mother! I am just venting, but if you wiser, more experienced women can give me some helpful tips, please don’t be too critical of me, I am really trying to be flexible and understanding most of the time! I feel like I am just driving myself crazy thinking this can work?! HELP!
Are you living together?
No! I think maybe not knowing all the drama and not getting involved in how he deals with his ex and his daughter may help me to be more at peace! I am such a curious person and I feel like I need to make sure he is not being deceived! We’ve always shared everything…But I don’t want to be controlling, which I feel like I am becoming, (only when it comes to them!)
We have talked it over and prayed together about this, and we are going to give “Tip#5″ a try! I think it is a step toward the right direction!
First, thank you for taking the time to write. I am touched. Please feel free to write any time. I just wanted to make one comment. I love that you are trying tip #5. I am curious how it works for you. Also, you mention that you do not want your boyfriend to be “deceived”. May I challenge you to consider that your definition of ‘deceived’ may not be everyone’s definition. May I suggest that the ex wife may be your greatest teacher. She is teaching you the concept of loving purely, without control and without judgment. (Oooh! That just sounds nice!) Your boyfriend’s journey with his ex is his life lesson. Don’t we all know that those life lessons make us stronger. Maybe, he will learn how to be a stronger partner to you??? Just some thoughts….
You brought up a lot of great thought-provoking points there….Thank u! Tip #5 actually freed me from a mountain of burden that I was carrying-which wasn’t even mine to bear! I don’t want to be controlling,…I admit I often put myself in that position! Now, even when my bf comes and asks for my opinion or advice, I feel like I can be more objective and helpful to him, rather than being demanding and insecure! I need to be consistent though! You are right, he is getting stronger in his dealings with his ex and this is a positive step! I want to be able to have confidence in him, that’s for sure!