• The Evil Stepmother Speaks-Shame the Parent, Shame the Child-Stepmother Help

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    Stepmothers! Never Shame the Parent as You Will Shame the Child

    If I were forced to give one piece of stepmother advice, this would be it:  Shame the Parent, Shame the Child.  It means no bad mouthing of bio parents. Bad mouthing means to say bad things about another or to criticize another.   It means no making faces when bio parents’ names are said.  It means no eye rolling.  No grumbling.  No talking in another room within potential earshot of a child.  It just means, “Don’t say mean things about your stepchildren’s parents.  Period.”  Do any of these types of statements sound familiar?

    • “Your mother is selfish.  I pay child support and it still isn’t enough.”
    • “Your father is cheap.  He won’t pay for your car.”
    • “Your mother/father is ___________ (fill in the blank).”

    These types of words pierce the hearts of your children.  Each word creates a stabbing wound.  Why?  The answer lies within their DNA.   Children know and feel their biological connections.  So, when you make a nasty comment, the first question a child subconsciously asks himself is, “Do I have these same bad qualities? Am I worth it?” Scientific research shows an interdependent dynamic between the heart and the mind.  Know that when you hurt a child’s father, the child hurts.  When  a child’s mother is injured, the child is injured.  There is a direct connection.  Family expert, M. Gary Neuman says, “When you criticize your child’s parent, you criticize her DNA.”

    Your child’s next reaction is to quietly feel shame.  After all, children are egocentric and all family behaviors point back at them. They blame themselves.  Dr. Brene Brown defines shame as “a painful feeling or belief that we are flawed and, therefore, unworthy of acceptance and belonging.  Shame creates feeling of fear, blame and disconnection.”  Don’t we know that feeling? Feeling disconnected from our families?  Feeling as if we are not accepted?  It is ironic that everyone is feeling the same, yet little is said.

    So, when you feel that unstoppable urge to react to a bio parent, just stop.  Think.  Do you want to hurt your children to the core?  Of course, you don’t.  Silence is golden and the greatest gift you can give your family.