stepmother help advice step family
You Can Control Your Life. Do One Thing To Make Yourself Feel Better!
*Image by Mary Falsteau

2013 will be a more peaceful year for stepmothers, stepfathers and step families throughout the world.  I just feel it.  As a New Year’s Gift to all step parents, I am offering 3 tips to provide more peace to your families in 2013.   Admittedly, these tips are very ‘whoo-whoo’.  When you read them, you may think that they are crazy.  I only ask that you open your minds.

First, these tips are based on the simple concept that we can only control our own behavior.  Sadly, we cannot control anyone else’s behavior.  I know that we try.   I know that we vent.  I know that we nag.  We hate when someone tells us “something else” we should do.  So, with that in mind, here are a few things you may want to consider doing.  For yourself.

1.  Baby Steps Can Lead to Monster Change.

Tiny, simple baby steps are the road to your ultimate life goals.  No more pressure.  Just take it slow and tiny.  Let’s say you want to have a better relationship with a child.  Ultimately, you want a friendly relationship based on mutual respect.  Today, your relationship may be contentious.  A first step may be to think of that child in a friendly way.  Or, smile once when you see that child.  If that is too much, take an even tinier step.  No pressure.  Just simple and tiny.

2.  Focus Upon What You Want and Makes You Feel Good…*

Let’s face it.  We live in a world that values criticism.  Somewhere along the way, we learned how to worry, worry, worry.  We also learned to complain, complain, complain.  Is it that old adage that any attention is good attention?  If we complain, it is a good way to be accepted and connect with others.

What if we knew that all is well?  This tip is to assure that you focus on what you want and not on what you don’t want.  Give more of your attention to what makes you feel good.  Look for what you want to see.  This small shift can make a huge change in your life.  In my life in corporate America, we had a saying.  “That which gets our focus, gets done.”  It was true.  The company would pick a goal and get the entire organization focused against it.  The goal may be to gain share.  Inevitably, we would gain share.  Why?  Because the focus of an entire organization was on gaining share.

Your life is no different than a company.  Focus on what you want.

  1. More time with your partner
  2. Get along with your children
  3. Make one new friend
  4. Take time for yourself
  5. ______________  You fill in.

If you have been having a tough time, this tip may seem laughable.  If you feel as if reality has beat you up, it means that your emotional set point is low.  You have lost touch with your true being so any suggestion sounds ridiculous.  That’s okay.  Take it slow.  Eventually, you will get your vibration to match what you want.  Envision yourself as a young child, when you felt joy.  Remember those times.  Have some fun.  It can be simple things.  Just do something to make you feel better.  Each step of making yourself feel better is one step towards controlling your reality and moving towards the life that you want. (Suggestions: Watch a movie you love.  Download a song that you love and play it whenever you feel the urge.  Go to a playground and watch the children play.  Volunteer.)

3.  10 Minutes Every Day for Appreciation. *

Use the time when you are waiting in line, driving or any other second you can find to state your appreciation for wonderful things in your life.  If this feels uncomfortable, that’s okay.  Take it slow.  (Suggestion: Thankful for your partner and the love you have.  Thankful for good health.  Thankful that you have food.)  Showing appreciation clears the way to the life you want.

*The following techniques are taken from the book Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks.  Esther, Jerry and their muse, Abraham, taught the world about the physics of life and how they manifest into the law of attraction.

~Special Stepmothers help:  This is a wonderful summary of Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

ASK AND IT IS GIVEN – The Law of Attraction – summary


  1. I am new to your tweets and column and I’m loving it! I’ve been married now for 17 months and with my husband almost 4 years. We blended families 21 months ago and we each brought 4 children into our new family. So now with 8 kids but 2 are, for the most part, out of the house, we are learning about blending. We did meet with a counselor who specialized in step-families. We got a lot of good information but the day-to-day on the ground challenges could be difficult. I’m getting better at this. I just really need to have more patience. But I always find myself almost obsessed w/the birth mom. Mostly because she’s a train wreck and I can’t help but feel so comfortable in my own parenting skills. I know I’m so shallow to be like this but seriously it does amuse me at times how disfunctional she is. Hopefully overtime I’ll loose interest in my obsession. I’m sure my husband picks up on my private obsession with her but he just changes the subject out of embarrasment. I really try not to dwell on her for his behalf in front of him or the kids. But sometimes I over extend my words and they graciously just nod and agree that she’s a mess. Well I would only say this in front of 2 of my step kids because they raise the topic to me and in my attempt to be impartial I just get carried away. But I know I’m so wrong for doing it. I’ll get there and it’s because of your blogs.. So THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart for being the “universal way” to remind me of my short commings in such a subtle “good for me” way!

  2. I just discovered this blog and it is awesome! I totally agree on baby steps. Sometimes it can be such a challenge just to be kind and nice to someone who constantly brushes you off, but I find that regardless what the reaction is on the other side, I feel good about myself and more in control when I am consistently kind…..And of course my “grateful list” is a life saver just to center me again! Thank you so much for expressing so well our plight.

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