Stepmother Help-Who Has Time for Our Marriages? – Stepmom Advice

Thank you, Bruce! I am so grateful for your love and dedication to our family.

With Thanksgiving around the corner, this show is dedicated to our spouses.  Maybe, I’m speaking for myself, but I never could give my husband enough gratitude.  Isn’t Thanksgiving and every day of the year, time to give gratitude?

With that in mind, I want to take you back to the beginning of your relationship.  The time when you were madly in love and couldn’t wait to see your mate/date.  Put yourself in that place.  Can you feel your heart pounding?  Is there a smile creeping onto your face?  Think about really fun times that you had.  Remember how enthusiastic you were at the mere prospect of living with your spouse and staying together forever.  I’m also going to take a leap of faith and say that you were also probably really excited at the prospect of having the kids join you in your new life.

On the face of it, nothing has really changed because love does not disappear. The love is still there for your spouse.  When I said this, if you felt the desire to push back, can we think about a few things?  At heart, you are still enthusiastic about the kids. They are still fun to have around. Perhaps some circumstances have changed, like going from a traditional visitation schedule to a more permanent living situation with your kids.   Maybe, money is tighter than you thought it would be.  These changes may or may not be true, but the feelings of disappointment certainly feel true.

Maybe, the key aspect of your life that has changed is that you now feel unimportant.  Unacknowledged.  Worked to death.  Putting those thoughts aside for a second, how would you feel if you did not have the thought that you did not matter?  Is your love for your spouse still intact?  Can you reach into your heart (not your mind) and be grateful for this relationship?  Can you say it out loud to yourself, your spouse and in front of the family?  “I am so grateful for you.  Thank you for all that you do for me and the love that you show me every day.”

Three simple tips can bring you back to that space where you were so enthusiastic about each other.

1. Set your calendars for a monthly reminder
   Tell your partner how much you love them and believe in them.  Set a monthly reminder (or, more) on your calendar.  Text, write a note or just tell your partner how much you appreciate what they do.  Smile while you do this.
2. Silence, Listen and Don’t Interrupt
   Try to fight off the ADD and listen to your partner when they are speaking to you.  Take time to breath and leave space for silence.  It will give you a chance to think about how you feel and stop you from interrupting.  Our brains move so fast that we often are thinking about our response before we even hear what anyone is saying.  This ‘sound bite’ mentality can kill a relationship.  Just listen quietly.
3. Calmly Express Your Needs
   If you need something, tell your partner.  Your relationship is not a mind game.  When your needs are met by your partner, they are not more meaningful if your partner surprised you or happened to guess what you need.  The idea that your partner should “just know” what you need is a fable.  It is not real.  Tell your partner what you need in a kind, compassionate way.  Leave the screaming for your girlfriends.

Life is ironic.  If you act the way you want to be treated, that is how life gives you what you want.  Some call this the golden rule.  Some call it kharma.  Some call it the law of attraction.  Either way, the law is universal and can’t be changed.

When thinking about the early, exciting days of your relationship, remember how you treated one another.  I bet that you were both so grateful to have one another.  Gratitude is the root of love.  Since your love is still there, why not rekindle the art and grace of gratefulness.  Start right now and don’t stop.

Happy Gratitude,

Barb