Tip #9: Stepmother Help-Do You Talk about the Ex?

Talking about the Ex?
Thanks to www.AnneTaintor.com for the image

Do you talk about the ex?  How often do you and your partner discuss the ex?  Be honest.  How much of your thinking day is focused on this subject?  If you don’t know, I challenge you to carry a notebook and make a slash mark every time you talk about the ex.  You may be shocked at how much energy and time you spend on this subject.  Ask yourself this question, also. When you do talk about the ex, is it in a negative way?

Let me ask another question.  Within your relationship with your partner, has your disdain for the ex become a central theme of your relationship?  Has it become a major thing that you have in common?  You know how this goes.  Between the kids and work, your time with your partner becomes limited.  Certainly the quality time has diminished.  You find yourselves only talking about the kids and issues surrounding the divorce, including the ex.  Next thing you know, the mutual complaining and disdaining of the ex becomes a central part of your relationship.  Not a healthy thing.

Here is where the fear starts to creep in.  You start to wonder, what if we no longer have anything else in common?  After all, life has become pretty over whelming.  It is easy to forget why you loved each other in the first place.  So, the focus on the ex is an easy way to not work on the quality of your relationship.  Sound familiar?

First, back to Newton’s 3^rd law:  that which you put out, comes back.  These discussions about the ex tend to be negative.  So, guess what comes back to you?  It’s a universal law.

Secondly, remember in the fairy tales, ‘mirror, mirror on the wall?’  Within those mirrors, we see ourselves.  The ex is our mirror.  She/he is our biggest teacher.  Fact is, that which we don’t like in others, is often what we don’t like in ourselves.  It’s hard to admit. I just challenge you to consider it.   Let’s face it, do you really think your spouse chose someone drastically different the 2^nd time around?  Really?

So, here’s the tip.  Byron Katie, one of our great thought leaders, has a website called, www.The Work.com.  Go to it.  On the left side, you will see the statement, “Do the work.”  Click on that.  You will see a listing for the “Judge Your Neighbor” worksheet.  Click on that and fill it out.  Answer the questions honestly and see if you learn something about yourself.

Below is the same tip that I gave on The Stepmom Toolbox Show.