Do you have those girlfriends who just know everyone? I have a few of them. Last week, I attended a charity event and my well-informed girlfriends started talking about the other people. I must admit that it is fun listening to them, but I never know the people they are talking about. Here is the conversation that they had last week:
“Hey, there’s So & So with his second wife. OMG! Can you believe how she looks? She looks like a Barbie doll. Man, has she had work done!
Wait. OMG! There’s the first wife. See? She’s standing right behind them. (Giggles) Can you believe how she looks? Really! ”
You get the idea. The second wife can’t win because she looks good and the first wife can’t win because she looks like a normal person. By the way, when I suggested to my friends that that must mean that I look great, they just burst out laughing. Geez.
How many times do we hear these types of conversations? Stories? Movies? Blogs? The second wife can’t win because she is an evil stepmother and has had massive work done and the first wife can’t win because she’s a bitch and looks terrible. I have a solution. We need a medical plan for stepmothers and ex-wives. It should be a part of a national health plan. As soon as any woman becomes a stepmother or divorced, we receive a consult with a plastic surgeon. Everything is up for grabs. Eyes, boobs, complete facelift, the whole ball of wax. The stepmother needs to be converted into a sleazy-looking bombshell with perfect, but fake-looking features. The ex-wife just needs to look refreshed. I may be a bit prejudiced here, but I think the monetary fund for the stepmother should be larger.
Once we decided on our procedures, we would have to schedule them on the divorce calendar because someone has to pick up the kids and get them to their activities. It would be a little freaky for the children if their Mom and their stepmom’s faces were wrapped in gauze. Scary. Who knows? Maybe, the transition within the stepfamily will go smoother now that Mom and stepmom have new faces and bodies. The kids won’t recognize anyone so they won’t miss their original family as much. Everyone gets a fresh start. Who knew that bonding a stepfamily was only a pull and a tuck away?