Stepmother Advice-Ever Feel Haunted by the “Step” Label?

Stepmothers Sometimes Feel As If Their Bodies and Minds Have Been Overtaken By Their Stepmother Role

A step family can be like living in a haunted house.  There are ghosts and goblins behind every corner.  Every time you think that things are going well, “Boo!” another monster comes out of the woodwork and you are back to ‘square one’.  We all have experienced these phenomena.  A snide glance or a cruel comment can change the entire family dynamic and make any evil stepmother cry and want to fly off on her broom.  Three scary apparitions may haunt the best of stepmothers.

Stepmothers have stepped into a horror movie.

Step family life reminds me of the movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  This movie was made in 1956 and it tells the story of an extraterrestrial invasion of a small town in California.  The space invaders replace the citizens of the towns with duplicates of themselves.  These new humans are devoid of any emotion or individuality.

Stepmothers experience the same type of invasion.  Literally, your body and mind is consumed by thoughts of where you fit into this world.  First, the step monster invader eats my brain.  It feels as if all my thoughts are consumed with some aspect of my stepmother role.  Then, my time gets captured.  The tasks of a stepmother are no different than those of any parent.  They include cooking, cleaning, taking the kids to their activities, attending all activities and making sure that homework is done.  Next thing you know, your past life gets absorbed into your step family and everyone views you through the lenses of the infamous “step” word.

Memories haunt your life.

Your new family has a vibrant life that does not include you.  Their loving memories are menacing and leave a yearning in your stepchildren that can never be filled.  Like all family memories, these recollections are cherished.  No monsters or goblins can affect the children’s desires for their original family to be intact.  Stepparents stand as a haunting reminder of the family that can no longer be.  No magic potion can ever make us fit into the original picture.  It can be like living in one of those lonely, desolate mansions that you see in every fairy tale, surrounded by ghosts that you never see.

The scariest thing of all:  vulnerability

The scariest part of stepmother life is that you are laid bare, like a dead body in the darkest cemetery.  Your life and your love for your family are open.  Your new family knows all of your secrets and you know theirs.  It is a sacred and frightening place for everyone.  Yet, most would not realize the scariest hidden fear that lurks inside a stepmother:  a broken heart.  Although we may not say anything, each thoughtless comment or expression pierces our hearts. That wicked exterior is a disguise that stepmothers use to protect themselves from the spine-chilling affect of cruel words.  Our biggest secret is how much we love our family.  We are vulnerable to any ghastly creature that may decide to make a comment or criticism.  It is a frightful existence.

Just like Halloween, the life of a stepmother is fun and scary at the same time.  Happily, we welcome the tricks or treats of our step families and hope that we don’t get transformed into a beast along the way.

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One Response to Stepmother Advice-Ever Feel Haunted by the “Step” Label?

  1. Haunted is right! It is not uncommon for tension, compromise, and confusion to rule when the role of parent is shared between a step and biological parent. Some people still feel that stepparents aren’t “real” parents, but our culture has no norms to suggest how they are different. And the less our roles are defined, the more unhappy we are as both parents and stepparents.

    Another role ambiguity is that society seems to expect acquired parents and children to instantly love each other in much the same way as biological parents and their children do. In reality, however, this is often just not so. A stepparent might feel a tremendous amount of guilt about his or her lack of positive feelings (or even the presence of negative feelings) toward the spouse’s children. Discipline might be a constant source of family conflict: You might, for example, think your ex-spouse isn’t being strict enough, when in fact, most stepfathers and stepmothers think the real parent is not being strict enough.

    As a stepparent, you might feel like an unbiased observer with a grudge because you’re an outsider and the very thing that’s making you “unbiased” is something you resent, biology. Stepchildren, as well, often don’t react to their parent’s new spouse as though he or she were the “real” parent. The irony of expecting instant “real” parent-child love is further complicated by the fact that stepparents are not generally expected to be “equal” in discipline or otherwise controlling their stepchildren.

    Another reason for a difficult stepparent-child relationship might be that your child does not want this marriage to work, and so, acts out with hostility. Commonly children harbor fantasies that their biological parents will reunite. If children had reservations about or strongly disapproved of your divorce, they may sabotage your new relationships in the hope that you will get back together. Children who want their natural parents to remarry may feel that sabotaging the new relationship will get them back together. Stepchildren can prove hostile adversaries, and this is especially true for adolescents.

    Although all stepchildren and stepparents are to some degree uncomfortable with some aspect of their new family role, certain difficulties are more likely to affect stepmothers, and others are more common to stepfathers. Conflicting expectations of a stepmother’s role make it especially hard. As a stepparent, your best shot at happiness is to ignore the myths and negative images and to work to stay optimistic.

    As a stepmother, yes, your work is cut out for you. In fact, the role of stepmother is thought by some clinicians to be more difficult than that of stepfather. One important reason is that stepmother families, more than stepfather families, may be born of difficult custody battles and/or have a history of particularly troubled family relations.

    Society also seems, on the one hand, to expect romantic, almost mythical loving relationships between stepmothers and children while, at the same time, portraying stepmothers as cruel, vain, selfish, competitive, and even abusive (Snow White, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel are just a few bedtime stories we are all familiar with). Stepmothers are also often accused of giving preferential treatment to their own children. As a result, a stepmother must be much better than just okay before she is considered acceptable. No matter how skillful and patient you are, all your actions are suspect. Is it any wonder that stepmothers tend to be more stressed, anxious, and depressed than other mothers and also more stressed than stepfathers?

    Some researchers have found that stepmothers behave more negatively toward stepchildren than do stepfathers, and children in stepmother families seem to do less well in terms of their behavior. In fact, the relationship between stepmother and stepdaughter is often the most difficult. Yet, other studies indicate that stepmothers can have a positive impact on stepchildren. Because stepmothers are much more likely to play an active part in the lives of children than stepfathers, perhaps there is simply more to go wrong.

    Still, some step-mothering situations can make this role especially complicated — such as a part-time or weekend stepmother if you are married to a non-custodial father who sees his children regularly. You may try with all your heart to establish a loving relationship with your husband’s children, only to be openly rejected, or you may feel left out of part of his life because of his relationship with his children. In addition, a part-time stepmother can feel left out by her husband’s relationship with his ex-wife; for example, non-custodial fathers need to spend time communicating with their ex-wives about their children’s school problems, orthodontia, illnesses, and even household maintenance and repairs.

    Yet, well-run by knowledgeable, confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), this modern version of an ancient family form can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security—and often (not always) the love—that adults and kids long for.

    Gloria Lintermans is the author of THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS: Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect.

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