While raising my bio-son, Ean, I lost my name. No one called me ‘Barb’ any more. They called me ‘Ean’s mom’. “Oh, there’s Ean’s mom! Ean, your mom is here! Hi, Ean’s mom!” Once he was born, Ean had such an active social life, that I just started to introduce myself as ‘Ean’s mom’. I must say that I loved it. Even though Ean is now older, I still get recognized as his mom periodically. It’s the greatest.
At the same time that I was raising Ean, I had three fantastic stepchildren. I did not lose my name. I just lost myself. Apparently, I disappeared. As soon as you are introduced as the stepmom, all eye contact was lost. Conversation stopped. I think I walked miles trying to travel around people in an attempt to get their eyes to meet mine. I used to fantasize that I had an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter.
You can tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there is a stepmom who has not experienced the following scenario. You attended an event to showcase your stepchild. Someone, who did not know you, saw you with the child and was probably assuming that you were the mom. They approached smiling broadly. Then, you got introduced. “Meet my stepmom!” Smile vanished. Poof! Get your invisibility cloak.
Stepmoms Disappear into the Lonely Starry Night
Oh my GOD yes!!! Yes, yes yes!!!! Thank you. I KNEW i wasn’t the only one!
We are one team. We have so much in common! Can we post our blogs on each other’s sites??
Oh I’d love that! Please give me your blog button and I’ll happily put it on my blog
Will do!
I’ll get it to you
Oh my goodness, YES! The kids seem to handle it okay, but the parents get really uncomfortable. AND, stepdads experience the same as stepmoms. We’ve been attending first-of-school events and it’s awkward for my husband. He introduces himself as my son’s stepdad, the other person’s smile freezes, you know the look … the “oh, that’s nice (omg, get me outta here)” look. They have no idea what to say next. One of us usually steps in and tries to move the conversation forward.
Great post, Barb!
Here’s what I think “the adults” are really thinking:
“Stepdad” means that you guys are divorced.
I wonder if there was an affair. Hmmmmm…..
I wonder if he’s a weirdo. Probably…we all know about stepdads.”
Feel free to substitute ‘stepmom’ in there as well except instead of being a weirdo, stepmoms are cheap hussies.
I had this on the playground this week. 8yo introduced me as his stepmom – his 3rd grade peer’s eyes widened. Guess it’ll get more natural for kids as they age and more parents divorce?
Disney strikes again.
[...] I was reading a blog post called “Ean’s Mom vs Silence aka If We Don’t Acknowledge the Stepmother, Maybe She Won’t Be There” [...]
To my copatriot, The Wicked Stepmum,
Thanks so much for your support…
It’s seriously like being treated as a second-class citizen, isn’t it! I know the feeling and have experienced it alot. In fact, I have a hunch it has prevented my step daughter’s friends’ mothers from forming a friendship with me. I invite them for coffee or try to initiate a relationship but they decline, as if because I’m not the “real mom” they “shouldn’t” pursue it.
Please tell me if you think I’m wrong, but I think the “real” moms feel an inherent loyalty to the bio-mom. Within that notion of loyalty, is the social thought that no one wants to say out loud: “She probably was the mistress that broke up that marriage.”
I say, celebrate the notion that anyone thinks that we are all so fetching and magnificent that we woo men away from their marriages. I mean, really?
Ha ha! And in reality, my husband’s ex was the mistress who broke up his own family and another’s. Touche. He and I met honestly and a year after their divorce. I shouldn’t think I have to wear a banner that clarifies this for people but maybe I should…
You can just change the options on your name badge. 1st wife, 2nd wife, 3rd wife who did not cheat with him. There are just ideas. Maybe I should produce these and sell them???
I’ve found myself in a battle of wills with teachers, daycare providers, and health professionals… but most moms that I meet seem to be ok. Maybe because 1 of the 4 that I’m toting around is my natural born child, so I meet the criteria of being awarded respect as a fellow breeder. I’ve also gotten the comment, “You’re the stepmom to these three? WOW! Brave woman…”
I’m still not sure exactly how to take that.
Do you also get, “Surely, you don’t love them the same.” That drives me insane as well. I wrote a blog about it awhile back. It’s one of those things that there is just no good answer. I’ve been using the weak smile in return.
Yes, this has happened to me often. Sigh. The worst is when people ask if my daughter is our only child and I tell them he has two brothers. They ask how old all our kids are and when they realize the boys are close in age and my daughter is much younger, they ask if she was a surprise. So then I explain that ‘our’ older children are ‘my’ stepchildren and there was a divorce and remarriage that happened after they were born and before my daughter was born. Conversation stops, the face of the person I’m talking to changes. I never want to say, “no, I did not meet my husband until after he was divorced,” because I hate even justifying the thought that person might be having. So sometimes I try to diffuse the situation with something sarcastic and funny like, “well I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to tell you I’m a stepmother because, you know, we all have green skin and warts on our noses and I didn’t want to scare you away!”
You are going to love my book (just got a publisher!) I write about this alot. I just don’t have a good answer for this one because I get so angry. One of these days, I am going to figure out the ideal response.
I can’t wait to read it!! And yes, let us know if you ever figure out the ideal response.
[...] I was reading a blog post called “Ean’s Mom vs Silence aka If We Don’t Acknowledge the Stepmother, Maybe She Won’t Be There” [...]