Category Archives: Passive Aggressiveness

My Resentment is All-Consuming

Resentment, stepmothers, mothers, stepmom, stepfamily, stepchildren, remarriage, divorce, parenting, gossip, ex, ex-wife, Stepfamily help, Barbara Goldberg
Resentment is like that chocolate cake that you can’t stop eating.

When you feel resentful, do you feel disappointed in yourself?  Feel as if you are a bad or selfish person?  If you feel any of these things, know that you are not alone.  Resentment is that feeling you have when you are doing something that you just don’t want to do or that you feel unappreciated doing.  What makes resentment even worse is that we are not supposed to feel it.

To make matters even worse, resentment is married to its evil mentor called ‘the need to please’.  Do you find it difficult to say ‘no’?  Do you feel as if you are obligated to do whatever is asked of you? (Not illegal things, just favors!)  The need to please is the perfect precursor to a life of resentment.

Will you pick up the kids?  Yes.
Will you take care of the kids while I’m at work?  Yes.
Will you have dinner ready?  Yes.
Can you help the kids with their homework?  Yes.
Will you take the kids to the doctor?  Yes
Will you agree with me that the ex is a bad mom?  Yes.

Oh!  AND BY THE WAY….You have no say in the raising of the children.  Okay.
Your income is included in calculating child support.  Okay.
The children have to come first, then my job and then you.  Okay.
I really don’t want to discipline the kids when they are with us because I am afraid they won’t want to visit.  Okay.

OH! AND BY THE WAY….If I say that I don’t want to do any of these things, my partner will think that…
I don’t love the kids.
I am selfish.
I think only of myself and/or my kids.
I don’t love him/her.
I fear that he/she will leave me and I will be alone the rest of my life.  I will be a failure.

CONCLUSION:  I AM NOT WORTHY TO SPEAK MY TRUTH.  I HAVE TO DO WHATEVER IS ASKED OF ME.  WHATEVER I NEED IS JUST NOT IMPORTANT.  I AM TRAPPED.

Is that true?  Doesn’t it always come down to a feeling of lower worth?  Perhaps, that complicated feeling of resentment comes down to one simple perception:  our own value.

I know it sounds like a cliché.  If you don’t love and respect yourself, no one else will.  Love and respect does not come from saying yes, yes, yes.  It comes from pure honest answers that comes from your pure honest self.  If this blog resonates with you and you want to change your circumstances, start with an honest conversation.  Once you are clear with what you want and what you are happy to do, express your thoughts to your partner.  Make an appointment to talk.  Pick a quiet, calm time.  Be sure to explain the ‘why’ behind your decisions in a fact-based way.  Here is an example.

“As you know, I am an introverted person.  I need a certain amount of alone time.  I find our big family to be very draining for me.  I need time to rejuvenate to be my best self.  I’ve said ‘yes’ to doing too much.  I’d like to make adjustments.”

It is scary and, yet, you will find that being honest will free you. Yes. Free at last!  Free at last!

I Hate Feeling So Resentful!

Don’t you hate feeling resentment?  Resentment is that feeling of doing things that you just don’t want to do, yet feel obligated to do.  When I feel resentment, I feel as if I am being childish. I feel guilty and I feel bad about me.  Usually feelings of resentment center around thoughts that we have… Continue Reading

Stepmothers Feel Like a Piece of Raw Meat

Stepmothers, were you shocked to find that you have been ‘left out to dry?” If you have ever felt this way, this blog is for you: “No one seems to care about what I feel.  I planned this beautiful event and the stepkids did not come.  Yet, they went to their mother’s event.  I do… Continue Reading

A Stepmother Asks “How Do I Stop Myself from Asking about the Ex-Wife?”

Do you ever find yourself asking your partner: “What did she/he say?” “No, really, tell me what happened.” “I don’t care what she does.” Next moment. “Tell me what she did.” Do you feel as if you can’t seem to stop yourself? Does it feel as if you are addicted? So, why are we talking… Continue Reading

Where Do I Draw the Line? I Am the Stepmother, After All!

One of the most annoying things about being a stepmother is that it brings hard subjects up. Often the thing that we don’t want to do, comes up in stepparenting. You know what I mean. Issues like: Drawing the line on issues like self respect, your role in the family and in life, how you… Continue Reading

Stepfamilies Are a Fertile Ground for Passive Aggressiveness

Passive aggressiveness runs rampant in our stepfamilies.  I hypothesize that there is a minimum of one family member who exhibits these behaviors.  Are you one of the passive aggressive family members?  Or, are you living with passive aggressive people who drive you insane? Passive aggressiveness is when someone is agreeing with someone, but really doesn’t… Continue Reading