As I was watching the #SAG Awards last night, I realized that I am now on my second awards show for actors. (The Golden Globes were two weeks ago.) And, I still have the main, big daddy of them all coming up, The Academy Awards. In addition, there was the Miss America Pageant a few weeks ago and Honey Boo Boo has her own show. She’s a pageant winner, also. Once again, I don’t think that any stepmother is eligible for any of these awards. Unless you are a top actor in Hollywood and happen to have stepchildren.
It’s time to make a difference. Our time has come. I think we need a Stepmom Pageant. We should call it:
Stepmom Queen for a Day
“I Know I’m Not Your Mother, And I’m Good With It”
Now, for the talent portion. As I’ve been spending time in the stepmother ‘space’ for the last year. I have definitely seen stepmothers with incredible talent. Here is my proposal for our talent categories:
- Best Rant
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a rant is a bombastic, extravagant speech. I like the ones that go on and on and on and on about everything that is driving you nuts. These should be in writing. It can be in a form of an email, blog or journal entry. We’ll take it. I think it would be very nice if there was a dramatic reading of these rants at the pageant itself. Wouldn’t that be more fun than having those G-d awful answers to those inane questions that you usually see at a pageant?
- Best Scream
This one will take a bit of vision. For those of you that need to scream, we need a place for you. We’ll consider it therapy. Get yourself into that space where you are totally being ignored and yell from your guts. No extra points for yodeling. That doesn’t count. We’ll have that guy from the Scream portrait be the judge here.
- Best Blog or Facebook Page(Only stepmothers or stepfathers, please)
Yes, I’ll recuse myself.
- Best Tweet
There are some great tweeters out there like @RedheadedStepmom , @B*chin Bonus Mom, @Not Just a Stepmom or @Next_Wife. There are so many more that should be recognized!
- Best Descriptor of the Ex
Words like crazy or insane are not strong enough to win this one. Come on! This award is coming from your creative mean girl. It should also generate a silent chuckle from other stepmoms who don’t feel comfortable laughing out loud.
- Best Cocktail
Do you have a favorite cocktail? Is there a concoction that is your ‘go to’ potion during the holidays?
- Best Girlfriend
What would we do without that special friend? She’s the one that listens to us and always tells us we’re right. This award is our chance to nominate and award that trusted friend who never gets rewarded.
The Stepmom Queen of the Day deserves great prizes. I say spa getaways, a free life coach for a year or a new wardrobe. When will it be our day?