Category Archives: Bullying

My Resentment is All-Consuming

Resentment, stepmothers, mothers, stepmom, stepfamily, stepchildren, remarriage, divorce, parenting, gossip, ex, ex-wife, Stepfamily help, Barbara Goldberg
Resentment is like that chocolate cake that you can’t stop eating.

When you feel resentful, do you feel disappointed in yourself?  Feel as if you are a bad or selfish person?  If you feel any of these things, know that you are not alone.  Resentment is that feeling you have when you are doing something that you just don’t want to do or that you feel unappreciated doing.  What makes resentment even worse is that we are not supposed to feel it.

To make matters even worse, resentment is married to its evil mentor called ‘the need to please’.  Do you find it difficult to say ‘no’?  Do you feel as if you are obligated to do whatever is asked of you? (Not illegal things, just favors!)  The need to please is the perfect precursor to a life of resentment.

Will you pick up the kids?  Yes.
Will you take care of the kids while I’m at work?  Yes.
Will you have dinner ready?  Yes.
Can you help the kids with their homework?  Yes.
Will you take the kids to the doctor?  Yes
Will you agree with me that the ex is a bad mom?  Yes.

Oh!  AND BY THE WAY….You have no say in the raising of the children.  Okay.
Your income is included in calculating child support.  Okay.
The children have to come first, then my job and then you.  Okay.
I really don’t want to discipline the kids when they are with us because I am afraid they won’t want to visit.  Okay.

OH! AND BY THE WAY….If I say that I don’t want to do any of these things, my partner will think that…
I don’t love the kids.
I am selfish.
I think only of myself and/or my kids.
I don’t love him/her.
I fear that he/she will leave me and I will be alone the rest of my life.  I will be a failure.

CONCLUSION:  I AM NOT WORTHY TO SPEAK MY TRUTH.  I HAVE TO DO WHATEVER IS ASKED OF ME.  WHATEVER I NEED IS JUST NOT IMPORTANT.  I AM TRAPPED.

Is that true?  Doesn’t it always come down to a feeling of lower worth?  Perhaps, that complicated feeling of resentment comes down to one simple perception:  our own value.

I know it sounds like a cliché.  If you don’t love and respect yourself, no one else will.  Love and respect does not come from saying yes, yes, yes.  It comes from pure honest answers that comes from your pure honest self.  If this blog resonates with you and you want to change your circumstances, start with an honest conversation.  Once you are clear with what you want and what you are happy to do, express your thoughts to your partner.  Make an appointment to talk.  Pick a quiet, calm time.  Be sure to explain the ‘why’ behind your decisions in a fact-based way.  Here is an example.

“As you know, I am an introverted person.  I need a certain amount of alone time.  I find our big family to be very draining for me.  I need time to rejuvenate to be my best self.  I’ve said ‘yes’ to doing too much.  I’d like to make adjustments.”

It is scary and, yet, you will find that being honest will free you. Yes. Free at last!  Free at last!

How to Resist Terrorism at Home

When you are at war, you feel alone, isolated and as if no one cares about you. Think about it.  Have you ever argued with someone and found yourself repeating the story over and over again in an effort to get people to be ‘on your side’? This is your effort to not feel alone… Continue Reading

The Stepfamily and Life: It Is All About the Playground

It’s the end of the year. There have been holidays, custody changes, vacations and aggravations. There have also been feelings of extreme joy. Some of us have received notes of love and appreciation from our stepchildren and/or our partners. Some of us feel peace in the knowing that we are making a home base for… Continue Reading

A Stepmother Asks “How Do I Stop Myself from Asking about the Ex-Wife?”

Do you ever find yourself asking your partner: “What did she/he say?” “No, really, tell me what happened.” “I don’t care what she does.” Next moment. “Tell me what she did.” Do you feel as if you can’t seem to stop yourself? Does it feel as if you are addicted? So, why are we talking… Continue Reading

Stepmothers and Mothers Are Back In High School

Have you ever felt as if your stepfamily life mirrored your high school years?  Girls talking about one another?  Never feeling as if you were good enought?  Pretty enough?  Smart enough?  (Sounds like the SNL character Stuart Smalley) Life in high school was stressful. It was like you were uncomfortable in your own skin, right?… Continue Reading

Stepmother Help- NEVER DO THIS! EVER! – to yourself, your stepchildren or the Ex

Never do this. Period. The current Mrs. Kelsey Grammer, Kayte Grammer) dressed up as the ex Mrs. Kelsey Grammer for Halloween.  Thanks!  This is just the type of public relations all of us stepmothers need.  Damn! Hey, Kelsey and Kayte,  your costumes are not funny and shows such disrespect that I barely know where to… Continue Reading

The Evil Stepmother Speaks-One Day I Became Peaceful-Stepmother Help

One day her desire for peace became so great, she became peace.  I think I’ll write that one again: ONE DAY HER DESIRE FOR PEACE BECAME SO GREAT, SHE BECAME PEACE. The artist and poet Mary Falstreau wrote this lovely sentiment.  The true meaning behind this thought and her artwork hold the wisdom of all… Continue Reading

Are Stepmoms Bullies to Our StepChildren? – Stepmom and StepChildren Advice and Help

Are we bullying our stepchildren into allowing us (step parents) into their space?  Sometimes, I wonder.  Many define bullying as persistent, unwanted behavior perpetrated by people who feel inadequate.  Over the years, I know that much of my behavior has been unwanted and I have certainly felt inadequate as a parent and step parent.  Have… Continue Reading